You have seen plenty of breakups in movies, but have you ever asked yourself, Why do they break up? There must be something wrong, mustn’t there?

As you know, there is no single definition for any concept in psychology. Therefore, when posing a question, you should specify the approach from which you are seeking an answer.

In this post, I aim to analyze the definition of healthy love and its characteristics from different psychological perspectives.

1. Attachment Theory (Bowlby & Ainsworth)

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John Bowlby: “Securely attached individuals are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy, leading to balanced and fulfilling relationships.”

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Attachment theory suggests that love is shaped by our early experiences with caregivers and later influences our romantic relationships. Healthy love is associated with a secure attachment style, characterized by:
✔ Emotional security: Feeling safe and supported by your partner.
✔ Trust & Dependability: Being able to rely on each other.
✔ Balanced Independence: Being close but also having personal space.
✔ Effective Communication: Openly expressing needs without fear.

In contrast, anxious attachment leads to clinginess and fear of abandonment, while avoidant attachment results in emotional distance.

2. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

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Robert Sternberg: “Love is a story we tell ourselves, but the healthiest love includes intimacy, passion, and commitment in balance.” 

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Robert Sternberg (1986) described love as a combination of three components:
✔Intimacy – Emotional closeness, trust, and bonding.
✔Passion – Physical attraction and romantic intensity.
✔Commitment – The decision to stay together long-term.

Healthy love includes all three components, leading to “Consummate Love,” which is the most fulfilling form of love.
Relationships lacking one or more of these components may be incomplete (e.g., passionate but without commitment = infatuation).

3. Erich Fromm’s Theory of Mature Love

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Erich Fromm: “Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole.”

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Fromm (1956) argued that love is an art that requires effort, discipline, and self-awareness. Healthy love is based on:
✔ Care – Genuinely wanting the best for the other person.
✔ Respect – Accepting your partner for who they are, not trying to change them.
✔ Responsibility – Being emotionally present and reliable.
✔ Knowledge – Deeply understanding and appreciating your partner.

He warned against immature love, which is based on possessiveness, dependency, or using love as a way to fill an emotional void.

4. Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan)

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Deci & Ryan: “A loving relationship fosters personal growth, not dependency.”

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This theory suggests that healthy love supports autonomy, competence, and relatedness:
✔ Autonomy – Both partners feel free to be themselves, without control or manipulation.
✔ Competence – Each person grows individually and in the relationship.
✔ Relatedness – A deep emotional connection where both feel valued.

This means that healthy love is not about losing yourself in the relationship but about becoming the best version of yourself with your partner.

5. Gottman’s Principles of a Healthy Relationship

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John Gottman: “A healthy relationship is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to repair and grow from it.”

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John Gottman, a leading relationship psychologist, identified key behaviors that define a healthy love:
✔ Kindness & Admiration: Showing appreciation and respect.
✔ Emotional Responsiveness: Being there for each other in times of need.
✔ Constructive Conflict Resolution: Handling disagreements with understanding, not criticism or contempt.
✔ Shared Meaning & Goals: Building a life together with common values.

He also identified the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—behaviors that healthy love avoids.

Conclusion: What Makes Love Healthy?

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Based on these theories, healthy love is:
✔Secure and supportive (Attachment Theory)
✔A balance of intimacy, passion, and commitment (Sternberg)
✔Based on care, respect, and knowledge (Fromm)
✔Encouraging personal growth and autonomy (Self-Determination Theory)
✔Built on trust, kindness, and conflict resolution (Gottman)