This post includes a small summary of Harriet B. Braiker’s book called ‘The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome’.
This book is a self-help book that explores the psychological and emotional consequences of people-pleasing behavior. Braiker argues that constantly trying to gain approval and avoid conflict can lead to stress, anxiety, resentment, and even physical health problems. She presents a structured program to help readers break free from this pattern and develop healthier relationships.
The book is divided into three main parts:
- Understanding People-Pleasing Behavior
- Identifying the Root Causes
- Breaking Free and Changing Your Behavior
I chose this picture for the post as a reminder that we don’t need everyone to like us or approve of us.
Part One: Understanding the Disease to Please
A: What Is the “Disease to Please”?
People-pleasing is not just about being nice—it’s a compulsive behavior driven by fear of rejection, guilt, and anxiety.
It’s a learned behavior, reinforced by social conditioning (especially for women, but also for men).
It leads to self-neglect, exhaustion, and frustration when efforts to please others go unrecognized or unreciprocated.
B: Signs of People-Pleasing
Braiker identifies three categories of people-pleasers:
- The Approval Addict – Needs validation from others to feel worthy.
- The Rescuer – Feels responsible for fixing other people’s problems.
- The Conflict Avoider – Avoids disagreement at all costs, even if it means self-sacrifice.
People with this behavior tend to:
- Say “yes” when they want to say “no”.
- Feel guilty when putting their own needs first.
- Fear criticism and rejection if they stop pleasing others.
- Constantly try to be perfect to gain approval.
- Suppress their own anger and resentment.
Part Two: Understanding the Causes of People-Pleasing
Braiker argues that people-pleasing is deeply ingrained and shaped by:
A: Psychological Causes
- Childhood experiences – Growing up with overly critical parents, conditional love, or expectations to be “good” can create lifelong habits of people-pleasing.
- Low self-esteem – People-pleasers often believe they must earn love and acceptance.
- Fear of rejection or abandonment – They associate saying “no” with losing relationships.
B: Social and Cultural Factors
- Societal norms often reinforce people-pleasing, especially in women, who are taught to be accommodating and selfless.
- Workplace and family dynamics can create pressure to always be agreeable and non-confrontational.
C: Faulty Thinking Patterns
- Perfectionism – Believing mistakes will lead to rejection.
- Over-responsibility – Thinking it’s their job to keep everyone happy.
- Catastrophic Thinking – Assuming that saying “no” will lead to major consequences.
Part Three: How to Cure the Disease to Please
Braiker introduces a three-step program to break free from people-pleasing behavior:
Step 1: Changing Your Thought Patterns
- Challenge negative beliefs – Example: Instead of thinking, “If I say no, they won’t like me,” replace it with, “Saying no is a healthy boundary.”
- Practice self-affirmation – Start believing that your worth does not depend on others’ approval.
- Reframe rejection – Understand that being rejected for setting boundaries does not mean you are unworthy.
Step 2: Learning to Say No Without Guilt
- Use assertive communication – Clearly express your needs without apologizing excessively.
- Use the broken record technique – Repeat your stance calmly if someone pressures you.
- Start small – Practice saying no in low-stakes situations before addressing bigger challenges.
Step 3: Handling Conflict and Criticism
- Recognize that disagreement is not the same as rejection.
- Learn to sit with discomfort instead of rushing to “fix” others’ problems.
- Accept that not everyone will like you—and that’s okay.
Key Takeaways
People-pleasing is not about kindness—it’s about fear of rejection, guilt, and insecurity.
Overcoming it requires rewiring thought patterns, setting boundaries, and tolerating discomfort.
Saying “no” does not make you selfish—it makes you healthy.
Breaking the habit leads to better mental health, stronger relationships, and self-respect.
