This post includes a small summary of Harriet B. Braiker’s book called ‘The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome’.
This book is a self-help book that explores the psychological and emotional consequences of people-pleasing behavior. Braiker argues that constantly trying to gain approval and avoid conflict can lead to stress, anxiety, resentment, and even physical health problems. She presents a structured program to help readers break free from this pattern and develop healthier relationships.
The book is divided into three main parts:
- Understanding People-Pleasing Behavior
- Identifying the Root Causes
- Breaking Free and Changing Your Behavior
I chose this picture for the post as a reminder that we don’t need everyone to like us or approve of us.
Part One: Understanding the Disease to Please
A: What Is the “Disease to Please”?
People-pleasing is not just about being nice—it’s a compulsive behavior driven by fear of rejection, guilt, and anxiety.
It’s a learned behavior, reinforced by social conditioning (especially for women, but also for men).
It leads to self-neglect, exhaustion, and frustration when efforts to please others go unrecognized or unreciprocated.
B: Signs of People-Pleasing
Braiker identifies three categories of people-pleasers:
- The Approval Addict – Needs validation from others to feel worthy.
- The Rescuer – Feels responsible for fixing other people’s problems.
- The Conflict Avoider – Avoids disagreement at all costs, even if it means self-sacrifice.
People with this behavior tend to:
- Say “yes” when they want to say “no”.
- Feel guilty when putting their own needs first.
- Fear criticism and rejection if they stop pleasing others.
- Constantly try to be perfect to gain approval.
- Suppress their own anger and resentment.
Part Two: Understanding the Causes of People-Pleasing
Braiker argues that people-pleasing is deeply ingrained and shaped by:
A: Psychological Causes
- Childhood experiences – Growing up with overly critical parents, conditional love, or expectations to be “good” can create lifelong habits of people-pleasing.
- Low self-esteem – People-pleasers often believe they must earn love and acceptance.
- Fear of rejection or abandonment – They associate saying “no” with losing relationships.
B: Social and Cultural Factors
- Societal norms often reinforce people-pleasing, especially in women, who are taught to be accommodating and selfless.
- Workplace and family dynamics can create pressure to always be agreeable and non-confrontational.
C: Faulty Thinking Patterns
- Perfectionism – Believing mistakes will lead to rejection.
- Over-responsibility – Thinking it’s their job to keep everyone happy.
- Catastrophic Thinking – Assuming that saying “no” will lead to major consequences.
Part Three: How to Cure the Disease to Please
Braiker introduces a three-step program to break free from people-pleasing behavior:
Step 1: Changing Your Thought Patterns
- Challenge negative beliefs – Example: Instead of thinking, “If I say no, they won’t like me,” replace it with, “Saying no is a healthy boundary.”
- Practice self-affirmation – Start believing that your worth does not depend on others’ approval.
- Reframe rejection – Understand that being rejected for setting boundaries does not mean you are unworthy.
Step 2: Learning to Say No Without Guilt
- Use assertive communication – Clearly express your needs without apologizing excessively.
- Use the broken record technique – Repeat your stance calmly if someone pressures you.
- Start small – Practice saying no in low-stakes situations before addressing bigger challenges.
Step 3: Handling Conflict and Criticism
- Recognize that disagreement is not the same as rejection.
- Learn to sit with discomfort instead of rushing to “fix” others’ problems.
- Accept that not everyone will like you—and that’s okay.
Key Takeaways
✔️People-pleasing is not about kindness—it’s about fear of rejection, guilt, and insecurity.
✔️Overcoming it requires rewiring thought patterns, setting boundaries, and tolerating discomfort.
✔️Saying “no” does not make you selfish—it makes you healthy.
✔️Breaking the habit leads to better mental health, stronger relationships, and self-respect.
