I was stuck, and I didn’t know what to do to get out of the graves that I had dug for myself. I needed to write, but I was in denial. Through my running, I got some ideas, which I recorded. These confessions come from that recording file. It dates back to March 20.
1- I am stressed. Every time I do something that makes me feel like I’m stepping into the unknown, I get anxious. The only way I know how to release this tension is through writing. I don’t know any other way. I feel like a house with a leaking ceiling and a floor decaying with bugs.
2- I feel destroyed. I aim to rebuild myself, but I don’t know how. I have a lot of work to do and limited time to finish it. Discipline is the essence of everything—once you lose it, it’s hard to get it back. I had been reading actual physical books for a while, and it helped me focus. Reading sharpens your attention. I need to get back to that.
I want to publish on the website every night, but sometimes I get lost.
You’re supposed to lose yourself in the process of reading or writing, but when you’re stressed, it doesn’t happen. You keep pushing, but nothing moves. And you start telling yourself: “You just need to fight back. At your hardest moments, you’ll discover who you truly are—and what your demons are.”
3- I feel hurt. I feel lost. My mind feels a little bored. I try to lure it with running, but it collapses on me from time to time. I’m facing millions of bits of information, and I can’t organize them all in my head. I want to bring order to it all, but I don’t have enough time.
4- I’m addicted to movies, coffee, and chocolate. Roughly speaking, I need to do something about them. It worries me to see myself so dependent on things. The problem with these “comforts” is that they give my life a hidden sense of meaning.
5- I don’t want to look too far into the future. I want to do my best—but even your best isn’t always enough, because “there’s always something you could have done better.”
6- I’m having a hard time defining who I am and what I want to do. I want a long-term plan and a hope to fight for. But even those don’t help during moments of weakness. When you feel lost, nothing helps. Life without meaning is like hell.
7- I’m bored and in pain. A voice keeps whispering: “This is your moment. This is your last chance for redemption. Be silent, but remain dangerous. Work on your skills and keep them sharp. There is no perfect time to start—starting is the perfect condition. You just need to start.”
8- Nobody fights your battle for you. You—and only you—can do it. So don’t wait for the future. Don’t hesitate. If you start now, you’ll finish at least part of it. But if you don’t, you’ll remain stuck in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
9- Life is predicated on the rule of the jungle: “The one who is more skilled at fighting back survives.”
So I’ll tell you this: your fears are a blessing because they signal new opportunities. If you face them, you’ll find a way to go beyond your current self. But if you don’t, you’ll stay stuck and feel dead inside for the rest of your life.
We regret the things we didn’t do—not the ones we did.
10- There are two sad moments in every year that can make you feel broken inside: your birthday and New Year’s Eve. These are the true reflections of your deepest fears and mischiefs.
11- I can’t tolerate being in a place full of people talking while I sit there, sad and quiet. Once you remove toxic people from your life, you can never truly get along with them again. You might fake it for a few moments—but no more than that.
12- Behind every behavior is a mindset. If you want to understand someone, try to see the world through their lens. That’s the only way you’ll comprehend what drives them.
13- If you’re looking for any form of redemption, you’ll only find it in books.
14- Almost every concept is a social or psychological construct. There is no absolute meaning in anything. That’s why you have to define things for yourself, again and again, throughout your life. If you don’t, you’ll end up a lost soul—just like everyone else.
15- You can find countless reasons to be upset with life—but that’s not a path worth taking.
16- When you feel down and want to feel better, don’t turn to distractions. Instead, try to understand your feelings. Emotions often have deep roots. Follow those roots to understand what your emotions are trying to alert you about.
17- Life is meaningless—until you give it meaning.
18- Look for your remedy inside, not outside.
19- Running and reading usually help.
20- There is a way to reinvent yourself through learning. Without it, you’ll be stuck.
You’d better choose: forward or backward. There is no such thing as stillness in life.
21- No one can influence you—even slightly—unless you let them.
22- There are patterns in your experiences and behaviors. Try to follow them and break their codes. If you can identify the pattern, you’ll see the repetition in your mistakes. Try to find a way to make those patterns fade from your behavior—something that ensures they won’t return.
23- If you’re looking for demons or satanic energy, look inward—not outward.
24- Taking responsibility for your life will make you stronger, not weaker.
25- A good life requires a set of good rules. Without rules, you won’t know your boundaries or your values. Rules give structure to life.
26- Failure is a blessing. The more you fail, the closer you get to your goal.
17- Loneliness and hopelessness are the by-products of a life without meaning—a life without chosen direction.
