1: Losses

I felt the last drops of the liquid at the bottom of my lifespan glass.

When I was a child, there was one story about Giants who live in the mountains and their lives were saved as a liquid in glasses in chambers of a powerful wizard (maybe not a wizard). And they were under his control because their lives were in his hands.

I felt the same story about myself tonight. The thought of how much remains from my life, and I’m not aware of, made me think: “What am I living for?” and also “Am I doing it properly?”

All the people of my life, in all these years, days, and moments that I shared with them, are still in my heart, and I still think of them. Thinking of their words, their voices, and how they behaved. These thoughts make me scared about my losses. Every time I have to say goodbye, I remember myself in the last moments of my last goodbyes. And I feel weak. I feel a hurtful feeling lingering in the bottom of my heart, an ache in my throat, and an old wound in my heart.

I am scared, and I need to admit it to myself. I am scared of how I am going to feel when I have to leave my loved ones. Life is short, and there is no question about that, but the fear of leaving it has made me think of what the people of my life thought and felt about me. Was I a good person to them?

2: Shutdowns

I’m scared of the pain I caused for someone else. It makes my skin numb when I think of someone in pain because of what I did. Memories are delicate entities. They get scary when they get old. It’s like you wake up old shadows from darkness when you think of them again. With this painful process, how am I going to face my past?

My sister asked me, “Do you want to get back to your past, like your high school days?” My answer was definitely “No.” I’m still numb about the last eight years. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I am still running away from it. I feel guilty. An unknown feeling of guilt has cast its shadow on me and has made me lost in the jungle of my existence.

When I’m so stressed, I start reading to distract myself with reading and writing, and my brain shuts me down in the middle of everything. And I wake up when my head is hung around my neck painfully. It tells me, somehow directly, “You’re unbearable. That’s why I have to shut you down right now, to take a few breaths.”

And these sudden shutdowns make me feel guilty about my time and the job I haven’t done. Monday started like that; anything I wanted to do resulted in shutdown after a few minutes. I got angry. I was resentful of life.

Anger is another manifestation of anxiety, if you ask me. It burns until the moment there is nothing to be burned. I couldn’t focus. When I get like this, “I keep thinking about the meaning of life and why am I here again, in this tortuous circle of interrogation.”

This is Thursday, April 24th of 2025, and I was stuck again in the same loop. I started reading and writing—didn’t work—so I started running. I just wanted to say: Keep pushing yourself, no matter how much pain and anxiety you digest. Listen to yourself carefully. In hard moments, life manifests itself differently. You just need to look intentionally.

3: Closure

1. There is a lesson to learn in each experience; you just need to hack its code, to decipher what it wants to tell you. You need to reflect on what you have been through; otherwise, you forget the roots of your identity and beliefs today.

2. I still can’t believe this feeling of guilt and fear that has been weighing on me and I wasn’t fully conscious of it.

3. I hope I feel like the man in the painting “Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog” one day” standing above what I’ve been through with a sense of victory (or being content) of what I’ve made up from myself.