1: Guilty

I took a long, bottomless look into my eyes. They were tired. They don’t speak to me anymore. We have never had this much silence between us. So cold and wounded, yet hopeful for an unknown future. Lost, thirsty, and bewitched by time.

I feel guilty about each action I take, even when I rest. God knows how it hurts when your heart is missing and your mind is everywhere except behind your desk with your body.

Thus, there is nothing for me except sleep , it seems, for which I am really thankful if I can get some. “How intricate it is to be a human“. This is my only sentence can be Now.

2: The Eyes

I read a quote from William Henry: “The eyes shout what the lips fear to say.”

It reminds me of my fear of talking to strangers for the first time. I remember the first day of my first semester; such energy I had! Getting back to society after three years of dealing with COVID-19, I felt indescribable. After everything I had been through, I felt fearless at that moment.

I like to talk to people. I’ve always liked a good discussion where both sides have equal power. Discussing a topic makes me think about it more; therefore, it forces me to read even more. And I guess you can imagine what happens eventually: I feel alive again because of reading and talking about these topics with others.

I have a story about eyes. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but it seems that some eyes start talking to me. I can read them without realizing it. It’s weird, I know, but until now, I have found or chosen most of my friends this way. Their eyes start talking to me, and then I decide to talk to them with words.

This is why Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer writes: “The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze.” And Theophile Gautier, with these words, makes me believe in eyes even more: “Eyes so transparent that through them the soul is seen.”

The problem with eyes is that when they find their match, it’s difficult for them to forget. Oblivion is both regret and a wish.

So, if you are looking for strong personalities, as Paulo Coelho says: “Your eyes show the strength of your soul,” you will recognize people by their eyes.

3: When anger starts pouring

It all starts somewhere. I haven’t found out where it is all coming from. This feeling of rage, insanity, and anger. I feel warm and furious, and I don’t know how to express it, even in anger. I must confess that I haven’t found a way to express all of my feelings yet, especially anger.

Anger is like a snake’s bite. Once it bites you, poison spreads all over you. It intoxicates you, leaving you numb.

When anger starts pouring out, no one can really stop it. The only thing I know that will help a little is stepping outside yourself, trying to see yourself from the outside, and then trying to return. Trying to feel despite the overwhelming desire to feel nothing.

4: A voice inside of me

I want to talk about the period during which my beliefs were uprooted, and distancing myself from them became a repetitive act—an attempt to escape the inner demon I carried within me.

I am afraid of humanity and its potential for evil and greed. I don’t wish for anyone to go through what I have endured, but I have often asked myself: “How can people commit such horrible acts without regret?”

From the gates of hell, which I still remember, to the moment I stood in court and was redeemed from the injustice inflicted upon me, it all unfolded like a dream.

So vivid and real that I still can’t believe it myself.

Still, I feel it. Tonight, it happened again.

There are nights when I still revisit these hellish places in my dreams. I know it has roots in eating, anger, aggression, and judgment.

Every time I get angry or judgmental of someone, I can feel it in myself. I can feel it inside me. It has become a voice inside me.

Before I began to lose my faith, I believed in the goodness of humanity, but you cannot believe in anything until you have tried to pass the trial. I passed it, coming close to insanity. I lost a lot of things. My belief in my country. My belief in the goodness of human actions. My belief in the lightness of life (which turned to darkness and nothingness). My belief in writing and reading.

I was uninterested in life. I was thinking of ways to free myself from the pain I was feeling. No one helped me. My parents believed that it was a sign of stress. They tried to sympathize but not to empathize.

I was angry with myself. I gained a lot of weight. I was 40 kilograms, and four years later, I was 86 kilograms. (double)

I couldn’t read. I couldn’t sleep. My muscles were weak and fragile in a way that They couldn’t support me properly. It felt as if they were disconnecting and reconnecting in a continuous cycle.

When you put your faith in others, this is what happens. I was lost before I even began.

I owe my life to my sister. I was so afraid of the darkness outside that I couldn’t feel the peace inside. I was blind to the fact that darkness is the whole world, whether within or outside. We just deny that all our lives.

This is what happens to us. We come from deep darkness, and then we return to it.

The only way to live is by ending the life of another being. We kill to stay alive. From animals to trees an etc. There is nothing more immoral than that.