Tragedy is a foreign country; we don’t know how to talk to the natives – A Comment on the Movie “The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby”

1: A wild-goose chase

I felt like sinking, heartfully. It’s cruel, and it burns all the roots of your heart when you hear tasteless words about yourself from others. You want to be awake, and you want to do it with all your heart, but you’re tired as hell. You’re so tired that you don’t even care what others might think or say. This is the last level, and you just need a little push to fall into the eternal darkness, which is not quite that far. It’s part of every one of us—humanity. The more you feel, the more you understand that every breath is a temptation of “death” beneath your ears. You’re lost, and why shouldn’t you be? You’re dealing with much larger things than yourself. A level that no animal can measure up to: family, love, marriage, growth, etc.

You’re stressed, but you don’t need to be scared. It’s scary when you have to run, but you can’t look back to see what is following you. But life these days is like a wild-goose chase. The more you run, the more you lose.

Well, it is truly sad how life can be disreputable and blue, but it’s good to keep in mind: “It ain’t gonna remain the same. It has its own ups and downs.”

2: Little Turtle

And I felt like a little turtle, young and inexperienced, close to being drowned by the harsh waves of life when I heard this phrase in the movie: “Tragedy is a foreign country; we don’t know how to talk to the natives.” I felt the words under my skin, and the reason behind my silence.

And my sandcastle fell apart with this sentence: “There is only one heart in this body; have mercy on me.” And it seemed true, based on the descriptions I’ve heard from people who have felt the wrecking power of love.

Love is like the ambition that made Macbeth blind. It truly does make people blind. You plant love in order to help yourself grow, but it is a gamble—you may harvest downfall. (Macbeth is a character in Shakespeare’s play.)

When you love someone so dearly, it’s like they become an inevitable part of you. The more they distance themselves from you, the more anxious you become. Love can feel like you’re digging a trench around yourself.

I tried to divide the movie thematically, based on the characters’ sentences:

3: Divided by Themes

1. Grief and Coping Mechanisms

• The loss of their child leaves Eleanor and Conor in psychological turmoil. Eleanor internalizes her pain, while Conor externalizes his, leading to starkly different coping mechanisms that clash.
• Key Dialogues:
  • Eleanor: “I don’t even remember who I was before it happened.”
    • This reflects her dissociation from her previous identity, a common symptom of profound grief. She struggles to reconcile her past self with the person she is now.
  • Conor: “I just want things to go back to the way they were.“
    • Conor’s yearning for the past signifies his denial and inability to accept the irreversible nature of their loss. His fixation on restoring their relationship stems from his fear of losing the only anchor he has left.

2. Emotional Distance and Miscommunication

• Much of the film explores how grief creates emotional distance between people who once shared deep intimacy. Conor and Eleanor’s inability to express their emotions in ways the other can understand exacerbates their isolation.
• Key Dialogues:
  • Conor: “Why won’t you talk to me?“
    • This plea encapsulates Conor’s frustration with Eleanor’s withdrawal. He interprets her silence as rejection, while she perceives his need for connection as suffocating.
  • Eleanor: “I can’t be around you without feeling like I’m drowning.”
    • This raw admission highlights how Eleanor associates their shared space with suffocating grief. Her need for distance is not about a lack of love but about survival.

3. The Weight of Unspoken Pain

• Eleanor and Conor often struggle to articulate the depth of their pain. The dialogues reflect their internal battles and how difficult it is to verbalize trauma.
• Key Dialogues:
  • Conor: “We were supposed to do this together.“
    • This line underscores Conor’s sense of betrayal and abandonment, as he feels Eleanor has left him to grieve alone.
  • Eleanor: “I don’t even know how to be in this world anymore.”
    • This statement reflects the existential crisis that often accompanies grief. Eleanor feels untethered, unable to find a place in a world that no longer includes her child.

4. Identity and Reinvention

• Eleanor’s decision to leave her marriage and return to her maiden name symbolizes her attempt to reinvent herself. Her identity as a mother and wife is too intertwined with her trauma, and she seeks to escape it by starting over.
• Key Dialogues:
  • Eleanor: “If I’m not a mother, and I’m not a wife, then what am I?”
    • This powerful line captures her struggle to redefine herself after the loss. It reflects the psychological concept of “role loss,” where individuals lose a central aspect of their identity.
  • Conor: “You’re still you, aren’t you?”
    • Conor’s response reveals his inability to grasp the magnitude of Eleanor’s identity crisis. His focus on the continuity of their relationship contrasts sharply with her need to sever ties with the past.

5. Love and Its Fragility

• While love remains a central theme, the film shows how grief tests the limits of even the strongest bonds. Conor and Eleanor’s love is evident, but their inability to process their pain together creates a wedge.
• Key Dialogues:
  • Eleanor: “I love you, but I can’t do this anymore.”
    • This admission reflects the complexity of their relationship. Love exists, but it isn’t enough to overcome the weight of their grief.
  • Conor: “If you love me, why are you leaving?“
    • His question reveals his struggle to reconcile Eleanor’s love with her need to leave. It reflects his psychological need for stability and his fear of being left alone.

6. Trauma’s Ripple Effects

• The impact of grief extends beyond their relationship, affecting their interactions with others. Conor’s relationship with his father and Eleanor’s with her family reveal additional layers of emotional conflict.
• Key Dialogues:
  • Spencer (Conor’s father): “You can’t force someone to stay if they’re already gone.”
    • Spencer offers this advice to Conor, reflecting the harsh reality of letting go. His detached tone contrasts with Conor’s emotional desperation.
  • Eleanor’s mother: “Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it.”
    • Eleanor bristles at her mother’s advice, which trivializes her pain. This reflects the generational divide in how trauma and mental health are understood.